Guest Article by Bobbi Palmer from Date Like a Grown Up

I don’t care how old you are; if you’re a woman who’s dating there will come a time when you get rejected.  It happens to the smartest, most beautiful, desirable, and classiest of us.

Rejection during the dating phase most often comes in the form of never getting another call.  We can talk about the character of a man who just never calls again, but that’s not really important.  Because really…if he’s the kind of man who will go out with you several times, share personal stories, even intimacy, and then not have the maturity to tell you that he is moving on – well we don’t really want to waste any time on him.  (If you haven’t already, read my post about why rejection can be good for you.)

But what about when he just doesn’t call when you expect him to? You know what I mean: he usually calls within one or two days of a date but this time it’s been four, maybe even five days, and you haven’t heard from him.  When this happens, what are you doing? Are you living your life, looking forward to his call, assuming he’s busy and focused elsewhere?

It’s more likely that you are going through all the reasons why he may not be calling, and you’re deciding that it’s your “fault” or that he is a jerk.

Are you trying to find the moment on your last date where you should have seen it or gotten the hint?  The moment where you may have said something “wrong”, didn’t agree to go back to his place, or maybe you thought you weren’t as attentive as you should have been?  Did you show too much interest, or too little?

Are you wondering whether you should call him? Are you preparing yourself to be dumped?

If you do any or all of these things, there’s a good chance your fantasy of being rejected may come true.  Yes, I said fantasy.  Granted, there are times when it will be true; he’s not calling because he’s moved on.  But how many times have you gone through these gesticulations only to find out he had a big proposal due or he went away for a couple days to see his children in Omaha?

Let’s say two days go by and he hasn’t called.  After the third day you start the conversation with yourself about all the possibilities; the fourth day you start feeling disappointed about the impending breakup; and by the fifth, you’ve convinced yourself that it’s over.  With that comes the decision that you don’t want him in your life anyway.

On day 5, he calls.  He’s nailed that big proposal and won the account.  He wants to go celebrate.  Problem is: you’re hurt and pissed at him.  And now you are in complete protection mode.  You’ve already decided it’s over, or at minimum, that he’s a rude man who should have called and didn’t.  So…you act accordingly.

You put on that I don’t need you…no one is going to treat me this way…I thought I liked you but now I know better attitude.  You act a little cold; a little standoffish.

He gets wind of it.  He can’t figure out what’s up.  He assumes you’re not as interested as you were.  Maybe you’ve met someone else.  He backs off a little.  (After all, he doesn’t want to be rejected either.)

You see his backing off as confirmation that you were right about him.  You close up more.  Ta da!  The downward spiral has begun.  What you have imagined in your mind as you waited for him to call has come true.

Unless the two of you have great communication, and you can talk this through, dating this man will likely never turn into a meaningful relationship. This conversation is the beginning of the end.  (I suppose if you had great communication, none of this would have happened in the first place, right?)

So, if you can relate to my story – and I honestly don’t know a woman who can’t – remember it the next time you’re creating your own reality. Then, try to knock it off and just let things unfold.

Read the full article and much more at http://cityloving.blogspot.com

Some lessons learned:

1) You will not get picked up in crowds of more than 3, especially if guys are part of your crowd.
I’ve heard this one before.  Two girls is good, 3 girls is still acceptable because the other 2 can keep themselves occupied while a guy chats you up (or you chat the guy up).

2) You will not get picked up sitting at a table with friends.
I noticed that the girls getting all the action were the ones who were mingling at the bar, around the fountain, by the DJ booth, etc.  Not the ones sitting at tables with friends.  Nothing against sitting at tables with friends, but if you’re hoping to get picked up, it won’t happen (unless you’re the Auditor, who did get a guy come up to her while we were at our table).  You need to extricate yourself from the table and from your group of friends, and strategically place yourself where people do not feel intimidated to approach you.  Dancing near men helps as well.

3) If you’re not interested in a guy, DO NOT introduce him to your friends.
I think it sends the wrong message.  While Auditor and I were at the bar, I was getting myself a bottle of water (secretly we were trying to get the attention of two cute guys we’d spotted near the bar, but more on that later), I turn around and find her talking to a guy she wasn’t interested in, X.  I got bottle, went up to her and said “Let’s go.”  She stopped and introduced him to me instead.  I said hi, exchanged names with X, repeated “Let’s go” and grabbed her out of there.  Later, when Auditor was on a mission to get the phone number of one of the cute guys above, she got accosted by X, who kept her for a few minutes, and she ended up not even talking to the cute guy.  I sent her back again to get cute guy’s number.  More on that later.  Point is, introducing a guy to your friends is a sign of acceptance, by allowing him to get to know you by getting to know your friends, and acknowledging him among the group of people close to you.  Friends are a very personal thing, I think, and introducing a guy to them is usually a sign of acceptance and green light.

4) Dresses must be tight, skimpy, and reveal something, if not almost everything, if you want to get a man.
The Auditor and I went a little classier last night.  Nice dresses, skirts below the knee.  Sorry we’re tasteful.  That’s just who we are.  We love elegant dresses, which are pretty and still make us look good and desirable.  Unfortunately, when you put that up against skinny girls in cleavage-revealing, ass-hugging clothes, you’re bound to lose.

5) Dressing as above is only if you want to pick up a guy for sex.
I’m sorry, but it’s true.  Everyone there was only there to either make out or have sex with someone.  Bars are not the place to meet nice men (except maybe cute guy, I promise that story is coming soon!).

Lessons to be learned:
1) I need to learn that I am not always the problem.
I came home feeling really sad and rejected, but I guess that’s life.  I have to remember that if the guy doesn’t dare to come up to me, that’s not my problem.  The guy who can come up to me and say hello is a man worthy of my attention.  And we’re not talking drunken sleazebags here.

2) I do need to be conscious of my body language.
After awhile, I think my body language said, “Fuck you, leave me alone.”  Partly because I was so damn bored, and there wasn’t anyone around, except cute guy who showed up a little too late.

3) I need to remember that I am not butt-ugly.
And being skinny and dressing like you’re undressing will not necessarily get you a good man.

So, to continue cute guy’s story:  His name is Sam.  Auditor went up and asked for his number, said her friend was interested, and pointed out to me.  He asked me what my name was.  He said to give him a few minutes to finish a conversation he was having with his friend, and he’d come over.  Auditor came back to me, and we waited a bit.  But our other friends were leaving already, and they were waiting for us.  I waited a little longer, and I swear he was looking over in my direction.  I’m not sure if he knew which girl Auditor was talking about, but she did say red dress, and I was the only red dress in that direction, and trust me, you cannot miss me in my red dress.  But I felt bad for making the others wait, so I left.  DAMN.  I wish I’d stayed just a little longer.

I am tired of doing all the work.  I am tired of men not daring to approach me.  COME ON!  It’s not that hard.  Other guys do it all the time.  I’m not that unattainable or unapproachable, if you have decent manners and a brain and know how to use them.  I’m not that gorgeous or beautiful or hot that guys think I’m out of their league.  I’m pretty sure I’m not butt-ugly either.  So what is up???  ARGH!  *bashes head against wall in frustration*

2010 resolution:  Fuck dating, fuck picking up guys, and fuck men, and I certainly don’t mean that in the physical way.

Edit: How do you get the smell of cigarette smoke out of your hair?  I just washed my hair with some papaya milk shampoo and conditioner, but it still smells of cigs!  Bleurgh.  Yes, KL is still one of those few places in the world where you can smoke indoors at bars, pubs and restaurants.

Are you now dating again and feel the best you have in years?

Fabulous magazine wants to interview a woman who can inspire our readers about how there is life after a bitter breakup.

You will be starring alongside a woman who did manage to make her marriage work despite the affair to offer a balanced feature.

If you think you would like to take part, please drop me a line, Ruth Kelly, at ruthie_kelly@hotmail.com underscore between ruthie and Kelly).

You will be in a photo shoot, read back your story and paid up to £500.

Visit Boyfriend Boutique Main Site

Original Article

Number 1: Sending her ‘just’ a wink

Most internet dating sites let you send “winks” or “show interest” for free.

But what does this say to her about you?

When that really hot girl gets your wink, she sees a guy that’s not serious about wanting to contact her and too cheap to fork over the $10 membership fee.

What a wonderful way to start off a relationship… Not!

She also knows that a wink is an easy “cop-out”. Anyone can scroll through hundreds of online profiles and wink at everything that moves.

So, from her perspective, why should she spend time on you when there are dozens of guys taking the time to send her real messages every day?

Number 2: Not having a recent QUALITY photo in your profile

This one should be easy, but the fact is, most men do not upload their photo. The statistics on this one are very clear. Profiles with photos get 10 times more looks than those without; and profiles with QUALITY photos get 4 times more than profiles with poor photos.

Let me ask you… When you log on to a dating site and search, don’t you search for women with photos in their profile first?

Why would she be any different?

Many women will assume that you have something to hide if you won’t post your photo – like maybe your wife…

If you don’t like your photo, have a professional one made. There are many professional photo services that do nothing but create great photos for your online dating profile.

If you want to stand a chance against the other guys out there, upload a good quality photo.

Oh, one more extremely important note – make sure that you upload a RECENT photo. Nothing is more disappointing than to meet someone and realize that the picture they sent you was 20 years and 40 pounds ago!

Number 3: Sending a message with a boring subject

Fact 1: Guys outnumber girls by at least two to one on most online dating sites and that’s a conservative number.

Fact 2: Good looking girls get dozens of winks and messages in any given day.

You can have the most awesome profile and you can send her the most intriguing message, but she may never see it.

How come?

Simple… Once again, women with good online profiles get lots of winks and messages every day.

Give her a reason to open your message first! It has to stand out among all the others, or it has a high chance of getting deleted and never read.

Spend just as much time crafting an intriguing subject line as you do in writing the rest of your message.

Ask her a question or specifically reference some detail in her profile so that she will know you actually read it and are truly interested in more than just her looks.

Number 4: Sending her a vague, generic or otherwise lame message

So you took the effort to become a paying member of a dating site, and want to make the most of your membership. But then you came up with a standard boilerplate message, and you quickly copied and pasted it to dozens of girls.

Go you! At least that’s what you think…

Ok, reality check.

Women like to feel special and important. They can smell a lame form message a mile away, and the delete button is always close at hand.

So, why not take a different approach?

Actually read her entire profile (we know it’s painful, but do it anyway!), learn everything you can about her, and then send her an insightful, personal message.

Remember, you’re messaging her and she needs to feel that she is the only girl in the entire world that you are interested in.

Keep your messages fairly short and concise. Compliment or make reference to some thing or things you found interesting in her profile.

Then, conclude each message with a “clear call to action”. Always be friendly and polite, but tell her what you would like her to do next.

Don’t leave her wondering. An example is “talk to you soon” or “drop me a line”.

Number 5: Taking too long to respond to her message

With all the buzz around the seduction and “pick up artist” community these days, many guys are afraid of scaring women away by appearing too eager or desperate.

So they get her message and then wait… and wait… and wonder when it’s “ok” to answer her.

Let’s clear this up.

Responding promptly is not a bad thing. It will likely help you stand out from the other dozen guys that messaged her today. Like most opportunities in life, you’re far better off striking while the iron’s hot.

Get over it and message her back. In fact, do it while she’s still logged on. Forget the “head games” and be yourself. Women are attracted to confident men who are comfortable in their own skin. Be yourself and you’ll be fine!

Number 6: Asking for her personal information too soon

So you messaged this really great looking girl, and she responded with a basic “Hi” message. Now what?

You want her real email address, her phone number, her work number, or better yet her address so you can go there now, right?

Stop!

Asking her for ANY personal information in your first messages is a quick way to kill the relationship before it starts.

Think of two dogs approaching each other… what do they do? They approach slowly and cautiously, and proceed to sniff each other.

Why do they do this? They’re getting to know each other.

People are the same in many respects.

Don’t scare her off. Take it slow and let her get to know you before requesting personal information.

Number 7: Making sexual innuendos in your first message

Yes, she’s really hot and yes her profile seems flirty and sexual…

So you think it’s OK to be overtly sexual when you try to contact her, WRONG!

Unless you’re on AdultFriendFinder.com or other adult site, sexual innuendos are unlikely to help you.

They’ll most likely torpedo any chances you might have had with her.

So don’t do it.

Number 8: Sending her money or a credit card number

Yes, the ever popular Nigerian (or whatever country is in on it this month) money scam.

Social networking sites, including online dating sites, are plagued by scammers.

And guys you know are falling for it every day…

Remember, the whole “if it sounds too good to be true” idea still stands!

If your online profile is really bad, and all of a sudden a girl strangely resembling a supermodel emails you and promises to make all your dreams come true, take it slow.

And DO NOT send money or other financial information to make her come to you.

Number 9: Checking out her “really hot” nude photos on her personal website

The ever popular “cam girl” phenomenon is surprising scores of new men on a daily basis.

So, what’s a “cam girl?”

Well, let’s say you’re searching profiles on and run across this great looking girl. She looks friendly, approachable, and is wearing a highly suggestive outfit.

To make it better, her profile has a link to her “private website” where you can “see more of her”.

What luck! So you click on that link, and to your surprise, you have to “verify your age by providing a credit card number”. Hmmm.

If you want to browse an adult site, then proceed and enjoy. But recognize this for what it is – often a teenage high school male pretending to be a really hot girl in order to make money by sending happy surfers (read: you) to a pay-per-view adult site.

Number 10: Not knowing what you really want

The last blunder is actually by far the most important one…

Put simply, most guys use the shotgun approach to dating and hope to hit something, anything.

Then they wonder why they’re not happy with the women they meet.

Not exactly the best approach for the most important aspect of your life, is it?

Before you join ANY online dating site, take a step back and figure out exactly what you’re looking for… what type of woman do you really want to meet today?

That way you don’t waste you time messaging a really great looking ‘single mom’ when you know full well that you don’t want children.

If you are an outdoorsman, you probably don’t want to spend time messaging a woman that tells you in her profile that she is allergic to the sun. (Yet another reason to actually read her profile.)

It will be well worth your time to understand what you’re really looking for!

What do you do when you meet a really nice woman who doesn’t seem interested in or attracted to you?

You try too hard to convince her that you’re great.

Never in a million years will you change a woman’s mind; especially when it comes to attraction.

Never!

You can’t force attraction! You just can’t. You won’t change her mind and you’ll make a fool out of yourself in the process.

Boyfriend Boutique: Top Tips for Finding A Date

Make going out on dates a part of your regular social routine

“Find a date,” your friends say. “Join us for dinner, and bring a date!” This alone is enough to cause many single people to immediately start to panic. The reality is that, if you’re looking for dates, you probably just want to find someone special to spend time with, without regard for your pushy friends and their need for additional couples to complete their circle. It’s important to think of looking for dates as part of life, part of your everyday routine. You never know — one of these days it may well turn into something more than just a date.

Finding a date is never easy, but it can be relatively painless, depending on your attitude.

Maybe have a hard time meeting people. Maybe you have a hard time meeting people who are suitable for dating. Maybe you’re a single parent with responsibilities at home, or someone who works from home. Perhaps you work strange hours and that’s why you never meet anyone to date. Maybe you work with people much younger or older, or perhaps you really don’t have finely honed social skills. It could be that you’re shy, private, quiet in groups or just unwilling to make the first move.

Whatever the situation, you need to take action! The first thing to do is make sure you exude self confidence. You want to find a date you’ll have a great time with, so it helps to make him or her feel special by looking good. Here are some tips on how to accomplish this:

• Give yourself a makeover
• Buy some new clothes and update your image
• Get a new haircut or hairstyle
• Get a full beauty treatment and makeover
• Visit your dentist and get those teeth pearly white
• Get a tan and freshen your skin
• Try out the latest styles and fashions
• Treat yourself to a rejuvenating vacation or break
• Read some new magazines and go shopping
• Join a health club and get into a new workout routine
• Go on a diet and lose a few pounds, if needed
• Take martial arts or self defense classes
• Improve your attitude

The next thing you need to do to find a date is think long and hard about what you really want to achieve and what your expectations are. Get clear about what kind of person you’re looking for, although don’t be too specific. Keeping your aim as broad as you can will make finding a date easier. You also need to be realistic. Don’t make it your goal to date a Hollywood movie star if it’s not likely to happen. Keep your feet on the ground and take a long, hard look at your own life before walking into someone else’s.

Once you’ve got that part down, here are a few ways to get started:

Dating Close to Home

Begin by looking in your own neighborhood. Is there anyone in your neighborhood or friend group who is single and awesome? Often, people stay single simply because they aren’t being asked out by anyone, not because they themselves are lonely. It’s time to do the asking. And yes, that includes the good-looking people in this world. There are lots of local clubs and activity centers where singles are likely to congregate. These are often the best place to introduce yourself to people of the opposite sex in your community. Try to choose something that involves both sexes.

Dating at Work

Some sources claim that 87% of couples first met through work or began dating at work. In general, dating at work or dating someone within your own office environment is generally not a good idea due to the possibilities for problems and the negative implications it can have on your career. Relationship tensions within an office can cause issues with other workers and antagonize work-related disputes.

However, the good news is, most organizations also work with other firms. If your office gets together to socialize with business partners or groups of people you don’t work with directly, start going to these events. Try going with coworkers to happy hour or attending after-work social events, too, from bowling to trips to bars and comedy clubs. It’s as much about making new friends as it is about finding a date.

If you really don’t like your coworkers (or don’t have any because, for example, you work from home), you’ll need to look for other ways to extend your social circle.

Get Physical

That’s right, join a gym. To find a date, you should look your best. After all, if you’ve set your sights high, doesn’t your potential date deserve the best, too? Good, so get down to the local health club and look into a regular workout routine. If already do this, expand your horizons and make sure you’re not going to a unisex gym. Try other sports and activities — from yachting to running to baseball to anything else you haven’t tried before. You will make fabulous new friends, as well as possibly finding a date, not to mention feeling and looking much better than if you just sat on the couch munching on potato chips.

Ask Your Friends

The most common complaint among people in their late ’20s and ’30s is that all their friends are married. If this is true for you, it’s time to adapt. As awesome as they might be, your married friends probably will not help you find a date. They tell you they’ll try, and they probably mean it, but like attracts like, and there’s a good chance most of their friends are married, too. In general, you should not look to any friends to help you find a date, though, because your friends don’t necessarily know what kind of person you’re looking for. The best advice is to take control and find a date yourself.

This is why you need some single friends. Newsflash: Dating is easier if you hang out with other singles who are also playing the dating game. Even if your married friends are your best buddies in the whole wide world, you need support from other people who know what you’re going through. Also, there is safety in large groups. This can also open up new places and venues for you to visit and look for potential dates. You will probably see your confidence level jump as well.

You can find new single friends everywhere: at work, in your neighborhood, at clubs, in your gym … You simply need to make some new friends, then join in. It’s not nearly as hard as you think. One thing’s for sure: Neither your fantastic new friends, nor your super hot new girlfriend or boyfriend is hiding out in your closet. If you sit at home, you will not find them — you have to go out and put yourself out there in order to do it. In fact, get started right now. When was the last time you called up your old friends to catch up? Do it now.

Join a Club

Activities really do bring people together and help you make new friends. If you’re involved in something like a craft, hobby or sport, then you’ve already taken the first step toward hanging out with (and possibly dating) like-minded individuals. You have something in common, and it’s a great icebreaker. If you’re not a member of any club, figure out what you’re interested in and decide whether joining a group of some sort centered around this activity might introduce you to others. (Hint: It will!) Always remember: Statistically, there is a good chance that many people just like you are also looking for dates and are joining clubs like these for this very same reason.

Signing up for a Dating Agency

Dating agencies were once associated with embarrassing social stigmas, but not anymore. These days, it’s extremely trendy to use an agency to find dates. Dating and finding a date is fun and enjoyable. After all, dating is really just about meeting new people and searching for a special connection. Dating agencies fall into two categories: traditional and Web-based. The first are those traditional dating agencies that help you find a date but charge hundreds of dollars to offer you the chance to meet a few people in their database they have matched you with. They then offer you the chance to meet, if both parties are interested. It’s slow and long-winded, but it can work sometimes, although rarely are there guarantees of any kind. The main thing about such dating agencies is that they often specialize in a certain area — maybe profession or financial, etc. Some may concentrate on the medical or legal profession; others may focus on, say, executives in a certain region.

Internet Dating Sites

The second kind of agency is the professional Internet dating and friendship sites accessible from your home computer. Most often, they are free to sign up for, so you can set up a profile and see who’s in their database to find out if you’re interested in that kind of people. The beauty of Internet dating is that it makes everyone on any given site instantly accessible, and you can search for people you match with in comfort of your own home without spending a dime. Sniff around, check out people’s pics and profiles and take your time finding a date.

It’s super important when you’re looking for a date to choose a reputable Internet dating site that will provide you with not only personal ads but also a safe and secure environment, as well as advice and articles to help you get ahead. These sites let you communicate anonymously with your matches when you’re ready to make contact via on-site email, chat rooms and private instant messaging. Some companies even include voicemail services so you can listen to your prospective date’s voice before meeting them.

After paying a small fee, you can communicate with as many members as you like, safely and securely — and, very soon, you may find that you have arranged not just one but many dates. It’s up to you. No more standing in singles bars, being hit on by obnoxious strangers or brainstorming opening lines — just convenient and relaxed dating, whenever you want!

If you’re looking for dates, you should start immediately. It’s not always easy to take a step like this if you’ve been out of the dating arena for years. Think through these tips on meeting dates and start taking initiative. Life is meant for living, but even more importantly, it’s meant for sharing with someone special. Start focusing on finding a date, but more importantly, focus on feeling good about yourself and the rest will follow.